Postpartum

Hmm... Where to begin....

Having Lukas has been the best experience EVER! But having him has also made this one of the most difficult experiences as well. I will try to explain.

My pregancy was normal - actually, aside from the pelvic symphysis and a heart-shaped uterus which meant more ultrasounds, my pregancy was great! The labor was also nothing to brag about. I was induced, and the whole thing was less than 4 hours, start to finish.

My real challenges started after this. Breastfeeding is NOT easy. Sleep deprivation is NOT fun. Colic is NOT fun. Reflux is NOT fun. The first 12 weeks were the hardest. In addition to everything going on with Lukas, I was also not feeling great. I was depressed, I had mood swings, I doubted myself every step of the way. Am I suppose to feel this way? Am I supposed to know instinctively what to do when it is 2am and Lukas has been crying for the last 4 hours and NOTHING is consoling him? Am I supposed to know what to do when he stops eating and just cries after 3 minutes on the boob, and will not eat anymore but is clearly hungry? Why am I not able to stop his crying? Why am I not able to make him feel better? Why do I not know what to do??? What is wrong with me??? Why, when I have a beautiful child, am I not happy???

I have had days where I have left the house as soon as Mike came home, just to cry. I had days I just needed a break. Days I doubted our decision to have a child. Days I doubted my ability to be a mother. Days I doubted I would ever love Lukas. The "mother's love" feeling that everyone refers to seemed to never come. I liked Lukas, most of the time, he is mine. But I did not love him.

I did not want to be around anyone during this time either. How could I be? How could I look at other people and know that I did not love my child? The guilt is the worst. I felt guilty for not loving him, guilty for not being able to feed him, guilty for not being able to console him, guilty for everything.

My "mother's love" came after. After Prozac and Sheila, my therapist. This was my biggest help. This is when my life with Lukas really started. This is when "motherhood" started to have a new meaning, and my life a new purpose. It didn't change overnight, but after 5 months of weekly sessions and a daily intake of my pills I am feeling much better and I LOVE spending time with Lukas, as well as I LOVE HIM!!!! Postpartum depression is a serious thing. I didn't know I would get it. You can't plan for it. But all of a sudden it just hits you. Hits you hard. Knocks you off your feet.

It is caused by a hormone imbalance in your brain, your hormones are already out of whack. It is something that is real. It is something that is common. It is something that more than just I experience. It is not something to be ashamed of. It gets better. Actually, it gets to be AWESOME!! :)

The last 7 months have been both the best and the worst. Thankfully I have a wonderful husband who is understanding and I have a wonderful support system around me.

Today is father's day here in the states. Lukas and I got up at 5:30 (yawn!) and we are now just hanging out, watching TV, loving life, and eating mamma! :)

Have a great Sunday everyone!

Lukas and Karoline